James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the
website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has
just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK
online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all
love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Watching DVDs, Extreme Sex and Late coming out
Justin needs some TV help: James, I really enjoy sex and occasionally watching DVDs. The problem is that I've just met a very sexy lad who's really into porn. He's been in a movie or two himself and watches them all the time. Like all the time! When he gets up, during meals and throughout the day. He's great in bed, much better than me to be honest, so I want to be with him. Do all gay guys watch porn at every opportunity, or is he over doing it?
James says: Hi Justin, well to be honest ... no! Most gay guys don't watch porn 24/7 so this guy really is overdoing it.
All things in moderation is best and watching porn is fine and a part of life for lots of people, but when it takes over your life it has become too much. Can't you try talking to your friend and suggest watching something else apart from porn, or maybe suggest to him that he watches too much porn and see what he says.
Maybe he has just got into the routine of watching porn because he's bored and can't think of anything else to do. Maybe he just needs a reminder for him to see that in fact he is watching it constantly and needs to find other things in life as well as gay movies!
You may find that he's quite happy to give it up, when he's sees there's a chance of doing other things which could be more fulfilling. Talk to him gently, and encourage him to spread his wings a bit.
Dirty Duncan has a question: Hi James, I'm 20 and certain that vanilla sex will never satisfy me. For as long as I remember, I've needed the hardest of the hard, dirtiest of the dirty S/M sex. I couldn't really find it in the UK so I came to Paris where I've been living for the last year or so. The S/M scene here is huge in comparison to home, but when it comes to the crunch I suddenly get so worried, killing any flicker of passion or enjoyment. When I have extreme sex, I hear the names of 100 infections in my head. When I'm being beaten, I worry about marks. Basically, I worry so much I receive absolutely no pleasure. What can I do to sort myself out?
James replies: This is a worrying situation you are in as you say you can't enjoy 'vanilla' sex and need a more hardcore sex scene to satisfy you but then you also say that this lifestyle scares you which would indicate that this is not making you happy either.
You should try and think about why you feel vanilla sex is not satisying and why you think you need more extreme sex. You also need to think about the whole issue of receiving pleasure yourself as at the end of the day that is very important. If you are not enjoying the type of sex you are having then change it completely.
Have you tried toning down your sex life or finding someone to have sex with on a regular basis? It may be that you have somehow convinced yourself that extreme sex is more exciting whereas with the right person you could find that you love the more vanilla side of sex, and intimacy, gentle touching and passionate kissing might just be what you are really after.
ML is off to a late start: Hi James, I'm gay (not out), none scene, honest, trustworthy and discrete but I'm 53 (yes I know)! but have a young outlook on life. I'm very much a late starter! I have only been with one or two guys so my experience is very limited. My question! How do I go about meeting other guys other that going to gay pubs or clubs, have tried web sites but cannot bring myself to meet! Do you have any ideas or am I a lost cause?
James answers: Hi, well not everyone comes out when they are 18 so don't worry about that! There are loads of people who come out when they are much older. It would be great if you could meet some people in a similar situation as you as then you would have the same point of reference.
You can meet guys in bars and clubs but it is not everyone's choice. Online dating can be great but it can be a bit daunting meeting someone who you've never met before! Maybe try online dating some more, but actually speak to the person on the phone first before meeting so that you have already had some verbal communication. That way when you meet you will feel you at least know the person a little before you start.
Just chatting online or sending SMS is never the same as real life talking! You could also place an advert in the personals of the gay magazines such as Gay Times. Explain your situation and that you want to meet people who have recently come out. That way you can meet the right people who will be able to understand the feelings you have.
As for being a lost cause, well of course you are not. There's someone out there who's searching to find somebody just like you, so get going and stop wasting time. You've got some catching up to do, and you need to start looking sooner rather than later.